Pirate King
by SarcasticTraitor
Summary: Pirate Lords will only vote for themselves - fat chance, so Jack Sparrow comes up with a terrfic way of choosing a pirate king...dedicated to Meghan, Happy Birthday!


**Pirate King**

**This is dedicated to my best friend, Meghan as a Birthday Present. If you are reading this, Meghan, I have been at cram school for six hours straight and only remembered this as I was going to bed ... so I stayed up and typed up the best I could do in 30 minutes. It's the only thing I can give you-Happy Birthday!**

"QUIET!!!"

All the pirates of the Brethren Court stopped fighting, hitting, smoking, drinking, swashbuckling and whatever they had been doing and looked up. Jack Sparrow had just called for order, one of the few times he ever did.

"There is no _direct_ way to choose a Pirate King," he declared. "Everyone is either going to pick themselves or no one at all. So I have a brilliant plan."

"And what be ya brilliant plan, _Captain Jack Sparrow?_" sneered an Asian Pirate.

"Your bloody _brilliant _plans have never done us much good, yo' dunghill rat!" shouted another.

"Gentlemen! Listen, please!" yelled Jack. "This is _different_. We are going to nominate a Pirate King that will not only be brave, but will do things that any normal person can do!"

"Oh, that's just great," said Barbossa, rolling his eyes. "Something like that truth or dare game we did last time, Jack. Terrific."

At the mention of Truth or Dare, all the pirates began to boo and hiss loudly.

"No, it's not truth or dare," insisted Jack. "It's called: Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Torture, Kiss, or Would You Rather."

"Mon Dieu!" roared a French pirate. "Zat eez ze 'ost boring game 'ver! You cannot eezpect uz to play eet!"

"That I do," said Jack. Most pirates looked curious now.

"I have never heard of it," said Mistress Ching slowly. "But it sounds downright humiliating. Are you going to explain?"

"Yes, I am," said Jack loudly before Barbossa interrupted. "This is how it goes:

"Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Kiss, Torture or Would you Rather is one of the most embarrassing games on earth." Jack began. At the sound of 'embarrassing,' most pirates perked up their ears. They loved embarrassing things - only when it wasn't directed at them.

"We have to sit in a circle," Jack continued. "And we take turns drawing people's names out of a hat."

At the sound of "hat," most people looked at Jack's famous pirate hat. Jack noticed where they were looking and clutched at it fearfully.

"Uh-uh," he said. "Not _my_ hat. Now, we take turns drawking names out of the hat - not my hat! And the person who drew the name asks that person what they would like to do - Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Kiss, Torture or Would you Rather."

"Where is this leading to?" asked Sao Feng, a Chinese Pirate Lord.

"What _is_ this double dare and torture thing?" asked Captain Sumbhajee, the former Idian Prince.

"Well, what happens is that we will nominate the Pirate Lord who does the most humiliating thing as King," explained Jack.

"Truth is when you answer a question truthfully." Here, Barbossa glared at Jack, remembering what happened the last time that happeed. "Dare is when you dare someone to do something stupid.

"Double Dare is when you ask someone else to do the same thing along with you. Kiss is to kiss someone, obviously. Torture is to torture the person. Would you rather is to ask someone a question starting with the phrase. You can't pick something that another person has done. Savvy?"

"That is not strictly fair, Jack," said Barbossa. "Ya see, people will definetely _not_ call on others to do humiliating things so that they will get a chance to be a Pirate Lord!"

"So that is why I have my dearest comrade Gibbs to take the pick," said Jack delicately.

"That's not fair either!" roared Jocard, the African Pirate Lord. _"He _will definetely give you the most humiliating thing on his list of humiliating things!_"_

"No, he won't dare," said Jack, glaring at Gibbs. Gibbs shuddered.

"This suggestion is the worst thing we have ever had so far!" shouted Barbossa. "I suggest that we all kick Jack out of the Brethren Court!

"Burn his ridiculous hat!" shouted Captain Ammand.

"Drown him in the sea!" called Sao Feng.

"Kick him out, burn his hat and _then_ drown him!" said Pintel, earning him a dirty look from Jack.

There were several cries of agreement. Jack frowned as the pirates began to call for his blood and for his hat to be chopped up and burned.

"Hold it, everyone!" he shouted. "We should have our _Lords_ to decide, not you. What say you, Mistress Ching?"

Mistress Ching frowned. "I will play because this is a new experience," she decided.

"I will, too," said Sao Feng. "Who knows, as long as I attend, there will be a chance for meto become king!"

"I will _not_ attend," squeaked Sumbahjee. "This is too humiliating for my good name!"

"If the chicken Jack will take part, I will," growled Barbossa. "But under the circumstances that we pick what to do ourselves instead of Gibbs!"

"Fine." Jack rolled his eyes.

Ammand, Chevalle, Jocard and Eduardo Villanueva would not hear of such a game, so there were only four people playing: Jack, Mitress Ching, Sao Feng and Barbossa. Everyone held their breath as Gibbs copied each name onto equal sized paper (checked a million times by the others) and put them into Jack's hat.

"All right," said Jack as the last name went into the bag. "Lets see...there are only four of us, so we'll leave out truth and kiss, shall we?"

"Aye," said Barbossa. "I have no intention of kissing anyone." Although he did look at Mistress Ching when he said that. Mistress Ching shot him a deadly look and said:

"Ladies first, so I will draw."

This, no one had any opinions to say and Mistress Ching put her hand into the hat and drew out:

"Mistress Ching...oops, that is I. I'll draw again..."

She put her hand into the hat and drew out...

"Captain Barbossa! Dare, torture, double dare or would you rather?"

Barbossa's face went red and the pirates began to chant: "Dare! Dare! Dare! Dare!"

Barbossa thought for a brief moment and said: "I am the Lord of Dares!"

Mistress Ching smiled evilly, being both a woman _and_ a pirate at the same time. "Very well," she smirked. "Let me see...Captain Barbossa, I will now dare you to go and sing three love songs and propose to the nearest Pirate Lord apart for I!

Barbossa gulped and looked around, fearing what to see. The others quickly jumped out of the way, but it was too late: Sao Feng fell nearest and groaned. Barbossa got to his knees and glared at everyone before placing his hands over his heart and opening his mouth and starting to sing:

_Sao Feng, oh Fennie, my dearest Fennie!_

_How I loved you!_

_The wind whispers your very name_

_And my heart weeps for you,_

_You are worth all the tea in China,_

_Oh Fennie, oh Fennie, my love...my life..._

The pirates howled with laughted and Sao Feng's face turned an unmistakable red and green. Barbossa finished his first song and started on another. Mistress Ching had disappeared under the table and Jack acted as though he had too much rum to drink.

Barbossa finished the third song and looked up into So Feng's wild and incredulous eyes and said:

"Oh, dearest Fennie, my sweetest love of my life, be mine! Will you marry me?"

There was a moment's of silence as they watched Sao Feng's temples work furiously. "NO!" he shouted, getting to his feet. "I will _not_ marry you, you bilge rat! You filthy dog! Disgusting maggot! Yeasty, pestilient, cackhanded...deckape!"

The pirates roared their approval of Barbossa's choice of words. Barbossa sat back down and glared at the resurfaced Mistress Ching. "It be my turn now," he growled, sticking his hand into the hat and drawing out...

"Jaaaaaaaaack," drawled Barbossa. "Double Dare, torture or would you rather?"

"Double Dare," said Jack. "You'll have to do the dare with me."

Barbossa scowled deeply and tried to think of something that he wasn't afraid of doing that would make Jack cry. "Hmm...all right, Jack...I have an idea. You and I both have to get our supplies of rum and tip them into the sea!"

"WHAT?" cried Jack. "Why's the rum gone?"

"It's not gone yet," smirked Mistress Ching. "Go on - lets see you do it."

Barbossa took from Ragettie and Pintel the largest barrel of rum and tipped it onto the floor of the Brethren Court. Jack watched it go with tears in his eyes.

"Your turn, Jack," smiled Barbossa.

Jack took from his side...a half-empty rum bottle. "Goodbye, rum!" he sobbed, watching it sink into the stones. Then he turned to the hat and picked out none other than-

"Mistress Ching! Dare and Double Dare is gone...so is it torture or would you rather?"

Mistress Ching frowned. She dearly wanted to be Pirate King - or Queen, in that case - but she didn't exactly know what torture would be like. "Torture," she decided, sealing Sao Feng's fate and dashing out all his hopes of being Pirate King. Sao Feng made a face.

"So...how do we torture a woman?" asked Jack. Barbossa and Sao Feng shrugged.

"I have it!" said Gibbs. The Pirate Lords frowned at him. "Well, if you'll hear them," said Gibbs, faltering a little.

"Well?" demanded Barbossa.

"Mistress Ching will have to kiss every single male in this room," declared Gibbs. "Apart from the Pirate Lords, of course - unless they want to."

There was a great cheering. "Go on, Mistress Ching! Show us what you've got!" shouted someone. Mistress Ching glared at Gibbs and started on Eduardo (who was a Lord but wanted the kiss anyway). A few pirates escaped outside to be spared from the embarassment.

When Mistress Ching had kissed every single male pirate (including Gibbs but not including the ones that were still retching outside) she turned to Sao Feng.

"Sao Feng!"Sao Feng looked livid now. "You've only got one last choice - would you rather!"

"Well, bring it on," mumbled Sao Feng.

"All right...would you rather sleep in the same bed as Jack Sparrow-" here, she shot Jack a nasty look, "-or Davy Jones?"

Sao Feng looked like he was about to explode. "What?" he screeched over he noise of the laughing pirates.

"Well...you heard me. Go on - who would you rather sleep with?"

There was an awkward silence as Sao Feng considered this question _very_ carefully. "Hmm...I will sleep with Davy Jones," he declared. Every pirates looked shocked.

"Well, at least I don't have to sleep next to a coward!" protested Sao Feng. "And at least Davy Jones doesn't smell of rum."

"But the poor man is dead _and_ alive at the same time," growled Barbossa. "And he has tentacles...and he's wet...and he might kill you."

"Still, I would rather sleep with Davy Jones," insisted Sao Feng. "I mean-"

There was an ear-splitting crash as the ridiculous wooden planks that served as a door of the cave was hit with a tremendous force. Horrifed, the pirates watched as Davy Jones stalked into the room, smiling evilly.

"Who wants to sleep with me?"

**Um, uh-oh. Way to go, Sao Feng...**

**Frankly, I don't care if you think this was crap, but Meghan likes pirates and this is the best I can come up with.**

**Please: review and say: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MEGHAN!!!**


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